I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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