I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
So much rum. So many feels.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
