I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
