I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
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