I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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