i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Randomize