M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
