Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
