Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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