Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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