I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
My penis needs a shock collar
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Randomize
