I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
