I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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