sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
