I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
