listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
