wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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