Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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