If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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