i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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