Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
