His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
