Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
