I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
