whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize