I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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