I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
