I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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