Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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