he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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