i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
