She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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