He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Randomize
