I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
