I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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