My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
