watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
