Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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