What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
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