This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
