6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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