it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
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