My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
