he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
