be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
