Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
So many bounce houses so little time
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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