If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I checked into jail on foursquare
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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