3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Randomize
