I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
