I faked an abortion last night.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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