May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
