We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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