There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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