Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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