I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
