My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
