Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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