halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
