What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Randomize