Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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